Our First Fight & A Difficult Subject

From Day One, Allie & I hit it off.  For 19 months now, she has been a complete ray of sunshine in my life that only seems to get brighter.  We are best friends.  We get each other.  Sometimes I still don't believe she's real.

That said, Allison & Mommy had our first real fight last night.  She wasn't budging... I wasn't budging...

Of course I have been frustrated at her before.  Of course she has tested us and been naughty before.  We've had to dip our toes into the rough waters of disciplining a young toddler several times with her.  But last night was the first time that I had to put my foot down (the issue involved what I gave her to eat and what she thought would be a good dinner...sorry Roo, mom & dad call the shots when it comes to what you get to eat!). 

There were lots of tears on her part, and it broke my heart, but isn't part of good parenting teaching our children that they can't have whatever they want whenever they want it?  I thought so.  So I held my ground until she finally ate a huge bowl of peas for dinner.  Then she got her beloved milk and cookie.  Win-win!

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Now, a sensitive & difficult subject for me to discuss.  If you leave a comment, (which I'd love) please be considerate of the fact that I'm cautiously discussing one of the most difficult things I've been faced with in my life so far.  So here goes:

I wish I could say that it was 19 months before I really butted heads with Cameron.  We have been battling for seniority for 4 years, 1 month, and 22 days!!  Nate tells me a lot that Cam is the reason for all of his new gray hairs!

More than anything, more than diapers, more than sleepless nights, more than discipline, more than laundry, more than reverent battles at Church, more than snot & drool, more than any aspect of parenting that might cause an ounce of stress or worry or tears... my biggest challenge as a mother has been to make sense of WHY and HOW my relationship with my daughter has been so much smoother and easier to establish than with my son.

It breaks my heart and makes me cry at the drop of a hat.  (Yep, the lump in my throat forms just typing this.)  I look at my easy, relaxed, sweet relationship with Allie, and I pray, work & wish to have that with Cam.  I lay with Cam some nights just holding him and kissing him and enjoying him while he's calm & sleeping because I know we will be at it again bright & early the next morning.

I'm NOT talking about love.  Not even close.  Don't even think for a second that I'm saying that I love one of my children more than the other. 

It's 100% personality.  Cam just fights us on everything.  Everything.  From morning until night.  From the day he was born.  He is emotional.  He is intense.  He is passionate.  He is smart.  He is loud.  He is hyper.  He is bold.  He is opinionated.  He is outgoing.  He is strong.  He is hilarious.  He is determined.  He can't be still.  He is difficult to parent.  I feel like once we get through these younger years, those 'hard-to-parent' qualities about him are going to become amazing strengths.  All along, I have had NO doubt that he will go places in life.  Once he matures and learns to channel all of this energy into school, relationships, sports, Church, and his family...he's going to be amazing.

My most favorite thing about Cameron (besides his beautiful face) is his exploding love for others.  He loves the people in his life so so much.  I know he gets this from his father.  He loves his parents.  He would do anything for his baby sister.  He loves his grandparents and cousins.  He knows everybody's name in our apartment complex...and they know his!  He also probably knows their favorite color and sport.  He loves his Aunt Megan more than anything.  And he loves Jesus more than anything.  He wants to make Jesus happy.  He talks all the time about wanting to give Jesus a hug.  I know that my most important role as a mother is to teach my children the Gospel and help them develop a rock-solid testimony of Jesus Christ. 

I feel as though my reward for the years of frustration, tears, stress & fighting that we have been through is that I've been receiving quiet, small impressions and assurances in my heart that I'm doing okay with him.  I'm not failing because he's still difficult.  Success as a mother doesn't mean perfectly-behaved children who sit with their arms folded and their pressed shirts tucked in all the time.  I have felt assurance that Cam is going to stay close to us and to his Savior as he grows up.  And really, that's all I could ever ask for.  That's all I want out of my life.  That assurance gets me through each day.  Someday my son & I will be so close and such good friends that I won't even remember these years (which is why I'm expressing my feelings here now...as hard as it's been....I need to go hold and hug him now).

I love my children.  Both of them.  They are my dream come true.  They are my life.  Now, I'm going to get ready, take them outside to play, and then take them to Discovery Gateway for a day of fun, learning, and for them to know that Mom is always going to be right by their sides.  Here for them.  Loving them every day.