Better

Feeling MUCH better.  The scriptures have brought so much peace to my restless heart and my tired mind.  I love it.

I've had a few people ask how Nate is doing with all of this.  It's hard on him, for obvious reasons.  He's SO tired of applying for jobs.  It's tedious and taxing, and he is sick of it.  I have talked to other couples who felt strained during the job hunt.  Nate and I have felt strained, individually, but as a couple, we are actually growing much closer.  I can see how times like these can pull a couple apart, but that hasn't happened with us, and I'm so grateful.  I love him so much, and we have been able to find the humor and blessings and love in this trying time.  What a blessing.  I think we both feel so defeated that we just sit together at night and just laugh.  Because what else can we do??

Everything is going to be alright!!

Ogden 26.2: Week NINE

My marathon training is officially HALF OVER.  I can't believe it.

I was reading a post I wrote back at the beginning of January about how scared I was to begin training.  Now, 9 weeks later, I am feeling awesome and full of confidence that this marathon IS going to happen.  Last week's 15 miler was really tough.  I was hurting pretty badly by the end, and that scared me a lot.  I'll go into more detail about it later in this post, but today's 17-miler was AMAZING.  I am so excited.

On Tuesday, Ashley and I did some speed work around the Village.  Nothing fancy, just tried to keep our pace up.

On Wednesday, I did a 9-mile trail run with Meridith and London.  This was my first time running with Meridith, and it was so fun!  I loved getting to know her better.  And London is always a blast!  We started at the zoo trailhead, ran all the way over to the top of Dry Creek Canyon, and then ran back.  Wow, it was SO much more difficult than I thought it would be.  But we DID IT.  The hills were INSANE.  I've done each section a few times, but I've never put all three together.  And back!  When we got to the top of Dry Creek, the views were amazing.  The trail kept going off to the north and disappeared around a bend, so we decided to tack on an extra half mile and see what was over there.  Rounding that bend nearly took my breath away (that sounds so dramatic, but it's TRUE!).  It was GORGEOUS.  The three of us all stopped and were just in awe.  It was a very, VERY cool moment that I will always remember.  This photo does not do it justice.

Me, London, Meridith

This run completely killed my legs.  I could barely move the rest of the day!  Probably not the best idea to do this tough of a trail run in between two long runs, but I just cannot resist these trails!

I took Thursday and Friday off to rest up for today.

SEVENTEEN MILES!!  I was nervous, but mostly excited.  This is the route that we planned out:

It's hard to tell on this map, but that pretty much runs along about half of the entire Salt Lake valley.  I was intimidated, but also determined and ready to kill it.

This morning, I met Cindy and Joshua at the 3900 S parking lot (Mile 17).  They piled in my van, and we drove up.  We met the rest of the gang.  Once we started getting further into the canyon, we started getting into snow.  And wind.  The roads ended up being pretty bad, so we turned back and started at Mile 3.  It was a wise decision.  We still had to run the first several miles in snow and wind and COLD.  But we are awesome and didn't let it stop us.  We just knew we'd have to make up the mileage at the end.

I LOVE THESE PEOPLE!  When I signed up for the marathon, I had NO idea my Saturday long runs would end up like this.  Absolutely amazing.

(In case you're wondering, YES my calves were FREEZING and bright red.  Luckily it warmed up after a few miles of getting lower in elevation, and I ended up being glad I was dressed how I was.)

So Vince, Jonathan, Shelley and Meridith are speedy, so they immediately took off.  I actually didn't see them again.  The rest of us stuck together.  Terri (the cute, short lady in white) was a few minutes slower than our pace, but Christy and I didn't want to ditch her, so we stayed with her.  It was slower than I wanted to run, BUT looking back, I think it was actually very wise for me to save my energy, so now I'm grateful.  Plus, I got to visit with her and learn more about her conversion to the Church not long ago.  She is an amazing woman.

It was fun to chat with Christy, too.  I LOVE that girlie.  We always have fun together!

Gorgeous views.  Once again, hard to capture in a photo.

Katheryn and me.  We're going to run that marathon together.

Christy and I around Mile 10-ish, I think?

Our view along Wasatch, heading north.  This was such a great course.  I'd love to do it again!

 Once we got to the park & ride at the bottom, Terri, Meridith and Shelley left.  The rest of us trudged along Wasatch.  This is where I had to mentally start to dig in a bit.  I spent the rest of the run mostly chatting with Cindy.  She taught me some great techniques for running up hills, and I was able to tackle all of the nasty hills along the last few miles, which I was planning on having to walk.  I'm so grateful for her!  We talked a lot about running and RA and what those mean to us.  Talking with her brought on a lot of this clarity I'm feeling, and I know that her being there was not random, either.

I love Robert Merriman.  I say that all the time, but I really do!  He makes me feel safe.  He's so kind and comforting and encouraging.  And so so hilarious.  I loved running with him today, as always!  And he brought me Welsh cakes.

I felt really good for the entire run.  I tried to stay really fueled and hydrated and not wait until I was hungry or thirsty or feeling sluggish.  This is good!  I'm learning what works for me, and that boosts my marathon confidence as well.

When we got back to the parking lot, I was only at about 14 miles, so Katheryn and I turned around and ran back up Wasatch for another mile.  She is running Ogden with me, so we took our minds off of our tired legs by talking about logistics and how we want to approach the big day.  I was tired, but overall still felt pretty good when I finished 17 miles.  This run was such a confidence booster!  I still have 9 more weeks of training, and I can already run 17 miles (albeit slowly).

I DID IT!  I am so happy with how this week went.  This coming week is a step-back week, so that will be good to rest a little before I take on 18 miles.

P.S. Today I hit 1004 total miles of running since I started exactly two years ago (March 16, 2012 was my first run.  Two miles, and I had to take walking breaks).  Not a big number compared to many runners I know, BUT as a busy mom of 3 young kids with a husband in grad school, I'm very proud of that number!

P.S.S.  After the run, Joshua and I decided to fulfill a dream of ours we've had for nearly 6 months now and go get tacos at the Sears taco stand downtown.  Don't ask.  Just know that it was a life-changing experience.  And very, VERY delicious.  And hilarious.  And the essence of our friendship.

And...I look awesome after running for over 3 hours...

I was SO hungry, that I couldn't even wait to get home to start chowing down.  Yum.

Happy (ish) Ending

Annie was found!

On Monday, Nate decided to call the U Police Dept. just to check in with them.  It's a good thing he did, because they had found her!  The SLC Police had actually recovered her four days earlier.  We were really upset that nobody had called and told us.  So on Tuesday, Nate and I went to the SLC Police Dept downtown and paid an arm and a leg to release the car from the impound.  We were mad that we had to pay the impound fees when we didn't even know she was there for four days!  But we're going to get a letter from the U detective and hopefully get some of our money back.

Anyway, so then we drove out to the impound lot, which was probably one of the worst places I've ever been.  The people there were very kind, but overall, it just felt yucky and creepy and there were gates and fences and alarms everywhere.  It kind of made me sick to think of Annie sitting in there (I know she can't feel or think or whatever, but still....).  So Nate went out to the lot (they only let one of us go, I had to wait in the office), and he tried to start her, but couldn't.

Overall, she was in okay shape.  They stole our CD player (which didn't work anyway) and all of the plastic covering was torn off of the steering column.  The ignition was busted, too.  They had taken some loose change and an old cell phone, but had left all of our registration paperwork and our snow scraper (ha!).  They had opened (and apparently eaten) an OLD granola bar that Nate said has been in there for years (clean the car, honey!), so we joked that we hoped they would get sick from it.  The exterior/tires/windows were untouched, thank goodness.  BUT sadly, there was one thing that almost made me burst out in tears:  in the backseat was a pair of men's underwear.  EEWWW.  Eew, eew, eew.  Poor Annie!  What is wrong with people??!!

Nate tried to start it with a screwdriver, but couldn't, so we had to leave our baby behind and drive home.  I was SO upset.  I know she's just a car!  It's not like they had stolen and violated our child, but she's been with me for 14 years!  Luckily when we got home, things started looking up.  Nate spent a few hours on the phone with our insurance and Ken Garff Honda body shop.  They were AMAZING to work with.  I want to hug and kiss them all.  So Ken Garff Honda sent out a tow truck to pick her up (we would have had to pay more money if we didn't get her picked up within 24 hours).  They towed her to their body shop downtown.  We stopped by later that afternoon to give them the keys and sign some stuff, and the lady who worked there was a complete saint.  She promised us that they will fix Annie up, and that due to the "circumstances" she was found under, they are going to scrub her down and steam clean the interior for us.  I wanted to cry (happy tears this time).  There are kind, good people in the world after all!

The U detective said she was also going to head over to the body shop to "collect the evidence" (thank you....).  I hope they can find whoever did this.  A few days ago, the sweet Koreans who live below us had their Honda stolen, too!  So lame.

We aren't sure how long they will take to fix her up, but we are so glad to have her back in the family!  We love you, Annie!

Up and Down

Today was a crazy Up and Down sort of day.

While the older two were at school, Nate, Claire and I drove out to West Jordan.  Robyn watched Claire while Nate and I did a session at the Jordan River temple, followed by lunch.  It was wonderful.  We had the opportunity to be the witness couple, which is always a neat experience.  In the Celestial Room, we both felt happy and peaceful and calm and confident that we don't need to worry or stress about our future. The Lord has a plan for us.

We got home, and it was time to take Cameron to tae kwon do.  He and Nate walked out the door, and a few minutes later, Nate called and said he couldn't find his car in either parking lot.  My heart sank.  He said he'd go check both parking lots again and call me back.  But it was gone.  Our trusty Civic, Annie, my baby I've driven for 14 years is GONE!

Stolen.

I am crushed.  I know worse things could and have happened, but I am very attached to that car.  I basically sat there and bawled while Nate called the police and our insurance company.  A campus office came over and filed a report.  Annie is in the system now, so she'll come up as stolen if her plates are run.  The officer said that lots of Civics have been being stolen, driven around, and then ditched lately, so there is a possibility that we'll get her back.  I'm praying that is the case.  Really, REALLY praying!

I keep going back and forth between being SO angry and upset and sad to being grateful that it wasn't worse.  At least they didn't steal the van.  At least there was nothing of value inside.  Our kids are safe and healthy and here with us, safely tucked in their beds.  We have a lot to be grateful for.

Up and down, emotionally.  I'm really tired.  Off to bed.  Hoping to run off some of my stress in the morning, and then I get to drive Nate to work...

I haven't blogged in awhile.  Here is a quick re-cap of our past few weeks.

- We are enjoying having Daddy around before he leaves for the month of July.  We redeemed our "Pass of All Passes" and have been going to Seven Peaks, Trafalga, Planet Play, and also spending time at Liberty Park, the library and lots of outside time.  At Trafalga, we rode the Bumper Boats, and they shoot a stream of water.  I boxed Nate in and shot him for like 2 minutes straight with water.  It was so hilarious.  Sorry, Honey!

- On Tuesday, we went to Salem/Provo to eat a yummy dinner at Brick Oven.  My cousin, Katie, entered the MTC yesterday!  It was great to see her and Deon.  She is going to be an awesome missionary!  I am jealous.  I'd go again in a heartbeat!

- Nate and I set up a date swap with some friends here, so we have been able to go out a lot lately!  We got to eat Korean food, see Iron Man 3 and Now You See Me (both were SO good!).  Last night we went to the Gateway and had a blast.

- I just got tickets to go to Oregon in July.  Just a little getaway to keep me sane while I'm a single mom for the month of July!  I am also going to see John Mayer with Nikki while I'm there.  It will be amazing!

- Primary is going wonderfully!  Our Presidency works well together, and overall, it's running smoothly.  I love our sweet children so much.  They already know so much about the Gospel.  I love being with them every Sunday.

- Cameron earned his blue belt in TKD.  He does such a good job at all the moves, but he is starting to lose interest in it.  :(  I hope it picks up again soon because he's starting to get to the really fun, cool stuff!

- For Father's Day, we went to Nate's grandpa's house for the annual bbq.  Yum!  Potato chips dipped in a chocolate fountain is so delicious.  We spent some time chatting with Missy and Casey, which was really fun.  We love those two!

- I'm getting lots of running in before July, too.  I try to run Bonneville 2 days a week.  I probably won't be here next summer (crazy!), so I'm taking advantage of living a mile from the mountains.

- NO major details here, but Nate and I had an experience that threatened to harm our relationship, but through the loving grace and goodness of Christ, it brought us closer together.  I have learned things about repentance and forgiveness, and I feel so so SO humbled and grateful.  It is NEVER too late to change and become better.  But I can also promise you that ignoring the promptings of the Holy Ghost will NOT result in true happiness.  For awhile, you'll think you're doing okay, but it's not okay.  It's not worth it.  I have a firm testimony of that now.  And it's not easy!  Prayer and scripture study are essential to keeping close to the Spirit and being able to resist Satan's grasp.  I am grateful for Nate and his maturity.  He is a wonderful man, who was quick to forgive some of my weaknesses.  The Gospel made that possible.

And finally, I love this:

Just Stuff

We've had a busy and fun past few days, but I'm waiting for pictures before I can post about them.

So, let's see, what else can I ramble about??  Cuz we all know I'm good at rambling!

Nate has decided to defer to next year's half marathon.  We were going to walk it together, but my foot is feeling better than his knee, so he didn't want to slow me down.  So he'll bring the kids out to Foothill to wave when I run by, and he can get me at the finish line.  Hopefully he'll be able to run it in 2014.  I'm nervous!  I have NOT been running very much, but I think I'll be able to push through it.  I'm so upset about the Boston Marathon incident.  So awful.  Horrible injuries to innocent bystanders.  What a terrible way to have this great event probably changed for forever.  I don't understand the evils of this world.  Why can't people just leave each other alone and let runners and their families enjoy their day?  It's very frustrating and sad.  I'm grateful all will be made right in the end.

Cam and I had a rough morning.  I ended up in tears, and Allie came up and said "Mom, let's smile that frown away."  My little peacemaker.  But oh that Cam.  I love him so much.  I need more prayer and humility and patience.

My family (as in the Warner clan) has been dealing with some tough news involving Sam and Michelle.  No details here, but I just want them to know how much we LOVE them and are thinking about and praying for them.  Sam, you are such an amazing young man, and we truly think the world of you.

Phew, okay, I need something lighter!  How about salad?  I'm on a salad kick right now, which happens about once every few years!  I've been trying to triple my veggie intake this week to prep for my race, and I'm feeling awesome.  Yum.  I already can't wait to make another one today.  What are some of your favorite salad toppings?  My tip is to use cottage cheese instead of salad dressing!  And add in some lightly steamed broccoli and cauliflower.  Oh the goodness.

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE the Book of Mormon?  :)  It's my rock.  It's my baby blanket or stuffed dog or "Meow" if you're Claire.  I cling to it for comfort.  And it works like a charm.  Every single day.

Better...and a Thief!

I'm feeling MUCH better.  General Conference tends to be uplifting.  ;)

A nice walk with my family, some loving words from my Nate, and a KitKat bar were also helpful.  It was really great to spend a quiet weekend at home.

So anyway....we have a thief at our house.  His name starts with a C and ends with an Ameron.  That little stinker!  He STEALS money from my and Nate's wallets.  We found a $20 bill today in his wallet that he had taken from mine.  SO NOT COOL!!  He's done it before, too.  Nate had a very serious talk with him today about it, and I really hope he stops!  He doesn't mean harm...he said he just wanted the money to buy a Ninjago book.  He's having a really hard time waiting for his birthday in July to get some new loot.  But Nate and I feel strongly that our kids get plenty and don't need to be getting extra toys and gifts throughout the year unless it's their birthday or they earn their OWN money.  We are trying to teach Cam that Daddy works hard for that money, and we NEED it for food!!

Well, his punishment was to clean his room.  He took it pretty seriously and even vacuumed, so that was nice.  He also lost tv/computer for the next 3 days.  He apologized, and we also helped him say a prayer to ask for forgiveness and for help to choose the right.  Being a parent is tough!  But one of the things I loved most about Conference this time was the message of hope to parents.  We are NOT fighting this battle alone.  So important to remember and rely on that.

(Note his walls are covered in Sharpie and crayon.  I'm too lazy to try and get it off of the cinder block!  They just paint over everything when we move out anyway!)

Struggling

It's April.  It's Spring here in Utah, which we sometimes get jipped on.  It's beautiful out.  It's Conference Weekend.  Nate didn't have to work.  We had a wonderful Spring Break with the kids, I took them to Salem.  They rode scooters behind my parents house until they collapsed.  Claire slept all nuzzled into Grandma's neck.  I watched The Middle with my dad and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Life is so good.  I feel Heavenly Father's love so strongly every day.  I feel Him guiding Nate and I.  His Hand is over this family.

So...why do I feel SO horrible??  I know why.  My biggest weakness and struggle in my life.  There is one aspect of my life that I can't control.  Satan knows it, and He uses ANY and EVERY angle he can to make it drown out all that goodness that I mentioned above.  I hate it!

It comes and goes.  Some days or weeks it's not bad, but on others it can debilitate me.  It's just not a good day.  I blame Facebook.  I need a break from it.

I feel like in Utah, women are pressured to and typically tend to look a certain way.  I don't look that way.  I never will.  I don't want to.  It's not who I am.  I feel SO good about myself in Oregon, Ohio (and Tennessee!).  :)

But I live in Utah.  I mostly likely always will.  :(  So I'll struggle through the bad days and try to capture the good ones.  Deep down, I TRULY love who I am.  I love being active and outdoorsy and wearing casual clothing and minimal makeup.  Nate loves that about me.

Just venting.  I'll be okay.  Staying off the dumb Internet always helps.  Diving into the scriptures ALWAYS helps.  So I'll do just that!

Falling Raindrops

Whenever Roo cries, and I am trying to tell her "don't cry", she always says, "But Mom, my raindrops aren't done falling down my cheeks yet." or "I still have lots of raindrops."

Well, I had lots of falling raindrops this evening, Roo.  I haven't cried at a news story since 9/11.  But tonight, I just lost it.  The horrible shootings of 20 innocent, beautiful children in Connecticut broke my heart.  Those poor mothers.  They sent their kids out the door, just like I send Cam and Roo out the door.  My babies came home today.  Why didn't theirs?  The Gospel provides intense, amazing peace during tragic times, BUT at the same time, sometimes the raindrops fall and fall and fall...  I'm just plain sad.

I am so grateful that I just finished reading the Book of Mormon at the fast pace that I did.  My faith is solid and unshaken right now, and as sad as I am, and as hard as this earthly life can get, hope and LIGHT has just been completely flooding and overpowering my mind for the past several weeks.  I'm so grateful.

Venting

It's no secret that Nate and I have had a long 8 years, when it comes to the career/schooling aspect of our relationship.  Most of the time, I remain patient and optimistic.  I have faith.  I trust in God's plan for our family.  I know a "bright side" will come.  My Patriarchal Blessing promises me that.  I truly do love our little apartment.  It keeps us safe, warm, and it is roomy enough (sort of...).  I love my Village friends.

But dang it, sometimes I just lose it.

These sorts of feelings push all of my faith and humility away:

I WANT A JOB.  (Well, for Nate to have a job, you know what I mean.).
I WANT A HOUSE.
I WANT A GARAGE.  (Today we nearly missed Cam's Halloween parade at his school because our van doors were frozen shut.)
My kids BEG for pets every single day. I WANT A CAT.
I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME IN THE EVENINGS.
I WANT TO PLANT TULIPS IN MY YARD.
I WANT TO BE DONE WITH STUDENT LIFE.
I'm DONE being patient!
I HATE scraping ice off my car while my babies shiver.
I HATE hauling groceries up and up and up to my apartment.
I HATE not having 2 bathrooms.
I HATE how quickly our apartment gets cluttery.
I HATE how my apartment smells like nasty fish all the time, and I have to spend money I don't have on scentsy and candles.
I HATE wearing the same clothes I've been wearing for 10 years now.

Okay, this list can go on for awhile, but I'm going to stop there.

I know a house, job, cat, etc won't make me happy.  I know that.  But sometimes these feelings just overpower you for a little while.  None of us are exempt from them.

Today I FELL IN LOVE with a house. It's a beautifully remodeled rambler.  It is perfect.  All of my Christ-like patience and non-covetous energies went out the window, and I sat and stared at the pictures of this house and just WANTED and ENVIED and HATED my situation right now and WISHED for this worldly item so badly that it hurt.  I got angry.  I got sad.  I cried.  I felt guilty for feeling this way, but I couldn't help it.  I'm not perfect.

I felt like this:

Nate sent me a text and promised me that we WILL be done in 2 years.  That made me feel better.  He is working so hard to make our goals happen.  I love him so much.

So I closed my computer screen and went to pray.  I told Heavenly Father exactly how I was feeling.  I told him what I want.  I told him that I don't need much, I just want Nate to get a good job so that we can buy a home and start some savings/investing.  We don't really care much about fancy clothes or cars or vacations.  I told Heavenly Father all of that.  Then I asked him to please continue to bless me with patience and faith.  I asked him to take away all of these bad/sad/mad feelings.  I begged and asked for awhile, and then I promised Him that I would do my part.  Every day.  Keep on going.

Then I read Mosiah for awhile.  The scriptures always make me feel better, and they did.

I'm so grateful for the Gospel.  I'd be so lost without it.

I'm doing better now.  Feeling more like this again:

100 Miles

Wow, I have run 100 miles!!  I never thought I would ever "be a runner".  This past New Years Eve, I distinctly remember, my dad said to me, "Bec, this is your year.  The Year of The Run."  I had NO intentions of doing much running, and I just laughed off his suggestion (sorry Dad).  Well, Staci came along and changed my mind!  2012 HAS become the Year of The Run for me!  I am so excited that I have fallen so in love with it.  Running has become a very important part of my life now, and it has been an answered prayer in many, many ways.

The biggest way it has helped me is with my self-confidence.  I have tried to avoid writing about this particular topic on my blog, but it is something I really, really struggle with.  Despite the fact that I have a wonderful man who truly thinks I am beautiful, I struggle every single day with thoughts that tear myself down.  I wish I could like what I see in the mirror, but I worry that I never will.  Anyway, I am constantly praying for strength and help with this, and running has truly been a way for me to release that stress and also, it is slowly changing my body in awesome ways.  Unfortunately running can't change my face or hair (I wish!), but I WILL have 'runners legs' soon enough!

I have loved having something to focus and work on.  Races to work towards.  Mile goals to reach.  Literal mountains to tackle!  I have learned that running is about 95% mental, maybe even 99% mental!  Our bodies can pretty much do just about anything we want them to.  It's our minds that hold us back.  I have let my mind (IE: my fears, reservations, excuses) hold me back in a lot of areas of my life for years and years now.  Running has taught me how to blow past all of that and just DO IT.  It's hard to explain, but learning how to quiet that voice in my head that tells me I can't do it during a run, that has helped me quiet that voice in other aspects of my life. 

I love running.  I owe it all to Staci for being my running buddy and mentor.  And I owe it all to Nate for letting me leave a crazy house-full of kids in the mornings.  And I definitely owe it all to my dad, who has been my #1 running cheerleader all my life.

Lucky Day

Our St. Patrick's Day was one of the best days ever!

I started out my day bright and early with a 2-mile run with Staci.  I am sick of being out of shape, so I'm forcing myself to do something about it!  Running with Staci is a good motivator for me, knowing she will be outside waiting for me gets me up and out of bed.  We ran on Friday and Saturday, and even though I'm really sore, I already am loving how I feel.

Nate had to work, sadly, so I loaded up the kids and we headed to Utah County.  We stopped off in American Fork to see Becky and her cute boys.  Right when I got there, Nate called me and said,

"So, I got an email this morning.....I got accepted to the Public Health program!"

I almost started crying!  Most of you know the long, exhausting, difficult journey that our little family has been on, trying to figure our education and career path out.  I can't believe all of our patience and endless praying has finally paid off.  We have no doubts that the Lord put us on this path.  Nate called me about an hour later again and said, "I can't stop smiling!"  Me neither, honey!

Remember THIS post?  And THIS one?  And THIS one.  It was such a trying time for us, and I am grateful that we have come out of it with such a great outcome.  We are still waiting to hear back from the Social Work program, to see if he'll do the joint degrees or not.

I am so relieved.  We don't have to move!  We don't have to pull Cam out of school early.  Roo can go to Headstart.  We get to stay in our awesome ward.  We can continue living in a wonderful place that provides us with great friends and close commutes.  Everything has fallen into place so perfectly.

Needless to say, we knelt in prayer last night and thanked our wonderful Heavenly Father. Last year, He literally stopping us from buying that house and gave Nate the very strong impressions to apply to these specific programs.  It was so real and powerful.  The Lord spoke to us through His Spirit SO strongly that we will never, ever deny it.  How could we deny it?

Anyway, after we played at Becky's for a few hours, we drove to Salem.  We celebrated my dad's and Ella's birthdays with a delicious steak dinner.  We had lemon cupcakes for dessert, I ate way too many of those!   So here's a funny story about Miss Ella that made me laugh so hard.  Andrea wrote it down, so I'm just copying it here cuz I'm too lazy to type it up myself:

When we asked Ella what she wanted for her bday she said "a frying pan". She was sucked into an infomercial selling an amazing non stick frying pan! I asked her what she would do with it and her response was "use it when I'm bigger".
 Funny thing.... Last night she opened her gift from Marcia and her polly pockets where wrapped up in a frying pan box from Pampered Chef! (How weird is that?) No joke she thought she got the frying pan! I was worried she'd be sad that it was "just a box" and inside was not the amazing pan. Steve and I were laughing. She was excited about the polly pockets though.

"How did Grandma know I wanted a frying pan???"  Haha, I love it.

While we were in Salem, Nate went to his parent's house for a St. Patty's day dinner.  His mom sent him home with a little treasure hunt for the kids, so we had them do that this morning.  They LOVED it!  So cute.

Real motherhood

I try my hardest to keep my blog uplifting and positive.  But I'm struggling lately.  Feeling somewhat defeated as a mother.  The uphill battles with my beautiful Cameron never seem to end, and I. HATE. IT. 

I typed up everything that is bothering me and stressing me out and making me cry.  And then I deleted it.  Because Cameron doesn't need to read all of that later on.  The details of it don't matter.

I'm doing the best I can with him.  Most of the time I'm just guessing.  I honestly don't know what I'm doing.  I have made a lot of mistakes.   There are SO many days where I say outloud, "WHAT do I do?"

But I've also made a lot of progress.  More than anything I try to put my own feelings aside and just LOVE him. 

I'm just so tired.  It never seems to end.  It's been a really long 5 years. 

Sometimes I feel really alone in my quest to raise him well.  I feel like it's me against the world.  Sometimes I want to give up.  Sometimes I think I can't keep doing this anymore.  But the sun always comes up.  The days keep coming and somehow I get through them.  I'm just so tired of fighting with him over everything.  Every day.  Every hour.

I love him so much.  I love him more than anything. 


My dear sweet Cameron, we're going to get through this, right?  You're going to turn out all right, and I will somehow still be standing when you're 18 and I send you off into the world, right?

Feeling Humble

My childhood friend's daughter passed away last night.  Beautiful Lucy.  I have been following Lucy and her twin sister, Hazel's story, and it broke my heart to hear of Lucy's passing this morning.  Eliza and her husband have taught me so much about faith and humility.

I know God has a plan for each of us.  That plan can bring us SO much peace and happiness in this life, if we choose to be faithful and follow it with exactness.  But God's plan for His children also includes trials and pain and sadness and sickness and death.  I am grateful that we have a loving Heavenly Father.  His hand is over each of us, and no matter how hard life can get, He is always there to assure us that His ways are better than ours.

I can't help but look at my sweet Claire and feel overwhelmed with humility.  She (and Cam and Roo) are such beautiful gifts to me.  Why did I get to wake up to my smiley baby girl while my friend is suffering so badly?  I don't understand why my children are so perfectly healthy, when so many other children aren't.  I don't understand why some mothers have to endure the unthinkable trial of burying a child.  I don't understand God's ways and wisdom all the time, but I have seen His hand in my life with such precision, that I don't feel the need to completely understand His ways.  I trust Him.  I trust His plan for me and my family.  I have been given many trials in my life so far that have been extremely hard to bear, but today I am feeling grateful for those trials.  Life is GOOD.  Jesus Christ brings hope and peace and light and love.  He lives.  Because of His atonement, we can be with our families for eternity.

Roller Coaster

I always thought pregnant women weren't supposed to ride roller coasters....but I can't seem to be able to get off this roller coaster...or even get it to slow down a little!  I know my blog has been all over the place lately, but really, that's the story of my life lately!  Can't promise when I'll get back to any sort of blogging routine....I've really missed it.  I haven't even picked up my camera in a week, which is unheard of for me.  But I promise my kids are still as stinkin' CUTE as ever!! 

So hang tight...I'll be back when I can.  And until then, enjoy some inspiring words from one of our dear Aspostles:

"Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

TT: He Lives

Last week was a really hard week for me.  Probably one of the toughest weeks I've ever had, aside from maybe at the beginning of my mission.  It was really awful, and I hated every long minute of it.  But I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior love me.  I know this, because even though nothing has changed circumstantially....the reasons for my fear and sadness and anguish are still present.  But I now feel peace and love around me, instead of those dark, horrible feelings of doubt.  And I know that I feel peace and love because of my Savior.  Because of prayer.  Because of the Priesthood.  Because of righteousness.  Because of patience.  Because of faith.  Because He Lives. 

The Lord has a plan for this family.  I let my knowledge and vision of that plan waver a little last week, and that's why I was so overcome with fear of man.  The Lord let me struggle to regain my footing, and I'm grateful for that because now my knowledge is even more sure than it was before.  What a wonderful gift and blessing.

Last week I was reading a talk from October's General Conference.  In one of the talks, this scripture was shared, and as I read it, I was filled with peace, and it was one of the many things that helped lift me back up.  In this verse, the Lord gives a powerful promise to Joseph Smith (and in turn, all of us, His children).  It says, "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." - Doctrine & Covenants 123: 17.

 I have been letting this verse run through my head over and over for several days now.  Nate and I still don't know the Lord's exact plan for our family, even though we are literally begging the Lord every day for some guidance and direction. Our answers might come next week or they might come next year.  We don't know, and that doesn't matter.  We just know they will come.  The Lord WILL cause miracles to happen on our behalf.  We know He will.  That's what we DO know.  Because really, they are already happening.  Miracles.  Every single day, all around us.  I see it in these 2 faces every day.

"Fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." -Doctrine and Covenants 122:9.

A Favor

Today for Testimony Tuesday, I'm actually going to ask a favor of you all.

I know I usually keep my spirits high and my faith rock-solid during difficult times...but I'll be honest and say that my spirits are down right now.  My faith is still solid, and I KNOW things will turn out better than I can imagine right now, but recently that sure knowledge that I lean on so much isn't yielding it's usual result of keeping me calm and happy.  And that's okay.  Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin has said, "The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness."  The Lord is letting me struggle a bit (although I'm sure these blasted pregnancy hormones aren't helping).  But I'm praying to be back to my 'usual self' soon...

So instead of my testimony and words of strength and peace and knowledge that I usually ramble on with....I'd love to hear yours.  I need a pick-me-up!  So tell me something happy or uplifting or spiritual or funny or wise or kind. Or if nothing else, just remind me that everything will be okay!  Thank you!

A New Chapter

What have we been up to?  Well...a lot, actually!!  I'll get into the big stuff in a minute...

On Sunday evening, we went down to Steve and Andrea's house in Sandy for dinner and FHE and to celebrate my mom's 65th birthday.  Every month, we all get together for FHE, it's been really fun!  We had yummy homemade Cafe Rio pork burritos for dinner, with fresh fruit and Snickerdoodle cake.  Wow, I'm hungry just typing that!!  Cameron played the Wii nonstop with his cousins.  Afterwards, we went for a walk around the neighborhood, since it was gorgeous weather outside.  I got an unexpected treat on our walk....turns out my brother lives one block away from my friend, Annie, who just had a baby last week.  I had no idea!  Annie used to live here in the Village, and I visit-taught her for over a year.  So we got to visit with her and meet beautiful Brielle.  It was so great to see them!  Brielle is so gorgeous, I loved holding such an itty-bitty newborn again!


A picture of the Utah grandkids: Roo, Ella, Drew, Ivy, Cam
Roo looks like she's in pain, it makes me laugh!

 So...there has actually been a lot going on around here.  It never ceases to amaze me how life end up happening. So here it is:  Nate has decided to dis-continue his pursuit of a teaching career and work full-time as a pharmacy tech.  It hasn't been a quick or easy decision....it's been several weeks of struggle, prayer, priesthood blessings, temple attendance, discussion, thought, analyzing, etc etc.  Nate came to the realization that teaching isn't what he wants to do with his career, but he spent several weeks continuing to try and see if it was something that he could overcome.  I'm so proud of him and how he handled this.  So yesterday, together, we attended the temple again and made the really tough and scary and HUGE decision to end his student teaching and just be done with school for now.  He got his Bachelor degree last August, so we don't feel like we've really wasted too much time.

We have learned a lot about how the Lord deals with His children...especially how He lets us work and struggle to make our own decisions in this life.  I think we were both waiting for the answers to come in some big, dramatic way.  So when they weren't, we started getting confused and scared.  So we realized that the Lord isn't going to plaster the answer on a flashing billboard....He wanted US to make a decision...and THEN He'd let us know if that was right.  So yesterday, Nate made the final decision to end student teaching.  It was such a scary thing!  But the moment he made the decision....things fell into place. 

Our plan now is for Nate to work full-time at the pharmacy until they kick us out of student housing.  Nate is still technically employed at the pharmacy, and his boss had promised him part-time hours after his student teaching.  He told me yesterday that he was going to wait until Thurs or Fri to call his boss about working full-time....just to "be sure".  But right then, his dad called him, and said he felt impressed to call his son.  The promptings of the Spirit are very real!  His dad encouraged him to go ahead and call his boss right then.  So he did.  Turns out, the pharmacy had a full-time position open....  So as soon as he heard Nate wanted the hours, he gave them to him on the spot.  He kept saying how happy he is to have Nate back with them full-time.  We just couldn't believe the timing of it all.

The other amazing blessing to us is just the complete love and support we have felt from our families and those around us.  We were obviously a little nervous about what people would say or think....even though we knew it was our decision to make.  But everyone we have talked to has been so supportive and encouraging and non-judgemental.  Having that emotional support has really made this process so much easier on us, so thank you!!

So yeah...we are now officially a regular, working family!  For the first time in 7 years, Nate is not a student.  It's such a weird feeling.  But we feel good.  We feel relaxed.  And poor Nate feels SO much relief and weight lifted off his shoulders.  We feel like we can sit back for the next 6 months, save money, prepare for the baby, enjoy our summer, and take a few month to make our next decisions.  Nate does want to continue on with his Masters in a few years and probably work his way up into pharmacy management or hospital administration or maybe something entirely different.  We are praying that the Lord will open the right doors for us now.  Tennessee is a VERY real option for us now...we can apply for pharm tech jobs and wait for a good opportunity.  We won't go anywhere until after the baby comes, but hopefully we'll have made a decision by then to stay in Utah or go off on an adventure!

Spring Days Ahead

On Saturday, Nate took the day off work, and we had a really fun family day.  It was much-needed, thanks to some high stress levels around here lately.  We relaxed and didn't spend an ounce of energy worrying or talking about anything school or work-related.  That evening, Nate and I went to the Olive Garden, our new Anniversary tradition, 3 years running now.  Then we came home and watched 'Salt', which I thought was really good.

Flowers on Thursday from my Nate.

Cheesecake and grape-apple cider 

The kids are doing great, and I am amazed every day at how much they love each other and what best friends they are.  Every single day, they disappear into their playroom or bedroom and just play.  I love that Cam sees her as a friend and someone he can really play with...instead of a pest who he's stuck with every day.   And of course, Roo just eats up the attention he gives her.  Cam's teachers came over last week for a mid-year review and had great things to say about him.  Such a relief to the mother of a crazy boy!!

Roo talks more and seems older every day.  

She refuses to sit in her booster seat for meals anymore. 

Hitting 13 weeks in this pregnancy was the magic number for me.  The nausea is pretty much gone, which I'm so grateful for.  I can tell my body is getting a little more beat up this 3rd time around though.  Lots more aches and pains.  I can't believe how fast time is flying.  I am feeling Baby move almost every night now.

Nate and I have been forced to rely on faith and turn to each other and the Lord the past few weeks...probably more than we have in the past 6 years.  It's been really rough, but at the same time, I can see us both growing.  I know we'll come out the other side of this better, stronger people.  I am so proud of Nate and how he has chosen to handle some curveballs thrown at him (us).  We are both turning to scriptures and prayer and of course, we are seeing and feeling results.  Because that's how our loving Heavenly Father works.  We have both felt our marriage become stronger as we unite our faith on behalf of our family.  We still don't know all the answers...our immediate future is still a somewhat-blank canvas, but I'm refusing to let fear creep in and take place of my faith.  Today the weather forecaster talked about the yucky current conditions, but he assured us that there are "Spring days ahead".  Couldn't agree more!

See Nie 2

Yesterday was a hard day.  I won't go into big details, but sometimes reality can be hard to handle.

Our Plan for the Wood Family next year: Have another baby and move to Tennessee.

The Lord's Plan for the Wood Family next year: Something else.

I honestly don't think I have ever been so confused in my life.  Turns out getting a license to teach in TN from out of state is NOT as easy as we thought.  We have to have 3 years of work experience first....OR Nate has to take an additional 5 tests on top of the 2 he already has coming up....very expensive, very difficult to study for, no guarantee that he'll get a job.  My heart fell.  Three years....  And as for the baby thing, well, that's obviously personal, but I can't thank my bff, Merilee, enough for her shoulder to lean and cry on and for a very empathetic heart she has.

But luckily the Lord gave me 3 things to lift myself up and smile and move forward with faith.

1. Nate looking me in the eye this morning, giving me a big hug, and saying, "I promise you...I promise that in 3 years, we will move to Tennessee."  I believe him. 

2. General Conference this weekend.  Best 4 days of the year...every April & October.  I will be hanging on every word of our dear prophet and apostles...I know they will give me peace and direction.

3. Last night I had the amazing experience of going to see Stephanie Nielson speak.  It was absolutely wonderful.  I drove down to Lindon and met my college roomie, Becky.  She took me to dinner (Los Hermanos, yum!) and we headed down to BYU.  We had no idea how big the event would be, we had hopes of getting to meet Nie at the back of our minds.  But when we walked in to the ballroom, we were completely shocked by how packed it was!  We were half an hour early, and we could barely find a seat.  People were crammed in and standing up, and even though  I was bummed that we had bad seats (we were way off to the side) and we obviously wouldn't get to meet her, I was so happy that she would see how loved and admired she is.  I'm sure things like that help her heal more than any medicine can.  She started out by showing her 'My New Life' video from Mormon Messages.  Then she stood up and told her entire story.  Lots of details about the day of the accident....what she'd done the night before that and that morning, how she felt and what she thought as she realized the ground was getting closer.  She said she saw her children.  She cried as she talked about waking up and realizing she'd missed 5 months of her children's lives.  She showed shocking pictures of what her skin looked like on her arms and legs.  She spent a long time talking about how hard it was for children to learn to find their mom again.  She told a funny story about how the first time Christian saw her in the hospital, she was in a coma, wrapped up like a mummy.  She said that when he entered the room and held her hand, her heart rate accelerated so fast that the nurses had to ask him not to touch her.  They'd never seen anything like that before!!  Nie said, "That's about as hot and heavy as it was for me and Mr. Nielson during it all."  Haha....!!!

But then she spoke of the reality of God.  She promised us that He is alive.  She testified that He lives with SO much conviction and power, and I felt the Spirit enter that room so strongly.  She talked about learning to find her beauty again...her real beauty.  She said she finds her beauty in her husband, in each of her children's different features, in the beautiful Utah mountains.  She testified that she knows that her body will be restored to perfection as Alma has told us in the Book of Mormon.  She said she knows she'll have her freckles and flawless skin again.  She asked us all to never try to change our bodies and to stop comparing ourselves to each other.  She said that even though it's badly scarred, she knows her body is a temple.  She said she begged her Heavenly Father to let her remain on this earth with her husband and children "no matter what body I'm in...I just want to be there."  That was humbling.  It was a beautiful evening.  I felt so much better after hearing her speak. 

Afterward, Becky & I got ice cream and talked nonstop about everything under the sun.  I love her so much!!  I love my friends, they are my family.  I have so many wonderful friends who always seem to always know just what I need.