Fathers, Be Good to Your Daughters

Ironically, there IS one John Mayer song that I skip over every time it comes on....I don't know why I don't like it, but I just don't.  BUT I do love it's message and lyrics.  "You are the god and the weight of her world.  So fathers, be good to your daughters.  Daughters will love like you do." 

I'm VERY close to my dad.  Next to Nate, he's my best friend.  I would rather have his love and approval than anyone else's on earth.  If he's proud of me, my self-esteem is sky high.  If I felt like I disappointed him, I want to crawl under a rock.  And because of that, I spent my younger and teenage years clinging to HIS values and beliefs and advice more than I did my friends opinions or especially the 'world's' opinion of right and wrong.  And now that I'm an adult, I am SO grateful for his influence that it almost brings me to tears.  I can't believe how grateful I am for the kind of father is was and is to me.

So as soon as we had a daughter, I began telling Nate how much Allison loves and admires him.  The love and bond between a father and a daughter is different than a mother/daughter or a father/son.  It just is.  I told Nate that she is watching him.  She is going to listen to every word that comes out of his mouth.  She is going to pay attention to his beliefs and values.  She is going to watch how he treats me.  She is going to crave and want his approval and love and attention more than anything else.  And if he gives it to her (which he will...because I married a man who is like my father in that way, which was my only requirement in a husband), she will be much more likely to make it to adulthood unscathed and with her values intact. 

Really, this post is a book review.  I bought "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" for Nate because I already knew I was impressed with the author (Meg Meeker).  The book arrived and sat on our shelf for a few weeks.  When I finished P&P, I decided to go ahead and read this book, even though it was a book meant for fathers.

Hands down, this is one of the best books I have ever read.  EVERY father needs to sit down with this book.  I can't even describe how true and powerful and well-written this book is.  It has made ME open my eyes to the realities of parenting in today's world.  Even though he hasn't read it yet, it has triggered conversations between Nate & I regarding parenting that we have never had before....but need to be had!  Please, please read it and then invite your husbands to read it.

A few favorite quotes from the book (although I'd type the entire thing on here if I could!):

Your daughter cannot make you love her or think she is wonderful.  She would do that if she could, but she can't.  How you love her and when you show it, is within your control.  -pg 61


If you stay with her, look at her, and listen to her, she'll keep coming back for more.  Her self-esteem will soar, her sense of loneliness will disappear, and she'll become more comfortable expressing her feelings.  Finally, because you, the most important man in her life, obviously like being with her, she will feel more attractive.  She'll think that boys who don't want to be with her have a problem (because you're smarter and more mature than they are).  That's a good attitude for her to have, and one that will protect her in the long run.  -pg 73


You need to set, as early in her life as you can, what the priorities for your family are.  -pg 91


Every day she gets the wrong messages loud and clear about sex.  You need to speak louder and clearer.  And your voice is the only voice she really wants to hear.  -pg 95


You need to move in and help your daughters in a way that your parents didn't have to help you when you were growing up.  Life is different today -- really different.  -pg 110


If you want your daughter to refrain from being sexually active as a teenager, you need to tell her why and how.  You need to stay in the fight for her innocence and her mental and physical health.  It's a fight you can --and that you must-- win.  -pg 113


You need to decide what you want for your daughter and implement a plan to protect her.  If you don't, the testerone-charged boys at her school will implement quite a different plan.  -pg 116


Your masculinity either shines or loses its luster at home, and what you do there can be the difference between keeping a loving family together and watching it drift apart or crumble.  -pg 136


Every father wants a son-in-law who has nothing to hide and whose relationship with his daughter will be founded on truth.  All secrets hurt.  -pg 158


Be the man you want her to marry because chances are excellent that when she is mature, she will look for you (albeit subconciously) in another man.  -pg 166


How your daughter matures will depend on what she sees when she watches you wrestle the big issues of life, when you show courage amid challenges.  -pg 167


One of the gravest mistakes we parents make is blurring the lines between right and wrong for our daughters.  Whatever popular culture does, in your own home with your own daughter, you cannot smudge the lines and rationalize bad behavior.  You cannot allow your daughter to risk her future by not confronting her on issues of alcohol, sex, and drugs just because that's the easy thing to do.  pg 209


One day, when she is grown, something between the two of you will shift.  If you have done your job well, she will choose another good man to love her, fight for her, and be intimately connected to her.  But he will never replace you in her heart, because you were there first.  And that's the ultimate reward for being a good dad.  -pg 237

Okay, I'll stop there.  I just love how she put an end to the obnoxious wordly views of "Oh kids are just kids" and "well, they have to make mistakes to learn".  She puts the responsibility back where it needs to go, which is with parents. 

Last night Nate and I had a wonderful conversation about a lot of these issues.  We talked about the control we are going to have with media in our home.  We talked about modesty with our daughter(s).  We talked about how reading the scriptures and praying with our children daily will arm them with the Spirit as they leave our presence at school and with friends.  We talked about the temple and chastity.  We talked about the importance of monthly father interviews starting now so that our kids will always know they can talk to Daddy about anything.  We talked about how far we've come and how much we feel like we've grown up since we got married.  It was such a wonderful, important conversation, and I hope we have a million more just like it.

I feel so strongly about raising our children well.  I refuse to back down.  I am exhausted a lot, and so is Nate.  But we refuse to let anyone besides us and the principles of Christ's gospel raise our babies.  We don't care if people think we have our kids on a short leash.  We don't care if people think we're too paranoid or strict.  We love our babies too much to not fight for them with everything we have.