But dang it, sometimes I just lose it.
These sorts of feelings push all of my faith and humility away:
I WANT A JOB. (Well, for Nate to have a job, you know what I mean.).
I WANT A HOUSE.
I WANT A GARAGE. (Today we nearly missed Cam's Halloween parade at his school because our van doors were frozen shut.)
My kids BEG for pets every single day. I WANT A CAT.
I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME IN THE EVENINGS.
I WANT TO PLANT TULIPS IN MY YARD.
I WANT TO BE DONE WITH STUDENT LIFE.
I'm DONE being patient!
I HATE scraping ice off my car while my babies shiver.
I HATE hauling groceries up and up and up to my apartment.
I HATE not having 2 bathrooms.
I HATE how quickly our apartment gets cluttery.
I HATE how my apartment smells like nasty fish all the time, and I have to spend money I don't have on scentsy and candles.
I HATE wearing the same clothes I've been wearing for 10 years now.
Okay, this list can go on for awhile, but I'm going to stop there.
I know a house, job, cat, etc won't make me happy. I know that. But sometimes these feelings just overpower you for a little while. None of us are exempt from them.
Today I FELL IN LOVE with a house. It's a beautifully remodeled rambler. It is perfect. All of my Christ-like patience and non-covetous energies went out the window, and I sat and stared at the pictures of this house and just WANTED and ENVIED and HATED my situation right now and WISHED for this worldly item so badly that it hurt. I got angry. I got sad. I cried. I felt guilty for feeling this way, but I couldn't help it. I'm not perfect.
I felt like this:
Nate sent me a text and promised me that we WILL be done in 2 years. That made me feel better. He is working so hard to make our goals happen. I love him so much.
So I closed my computer screen and went to pray. I told Heavenly Father exactly how I was feeling. I told him what I want. I told him that I don't need much, I just want Nate to get a good job so that we can buy a home and start some savings/investing. We don't really care much about fancy clothes or cars or vacations. I told Heavenly Father all of that. Then I asked him to please continue to bless me with patience and faith. I asked him to take away all of these bad/sad/mad feelings. I begged and asked for awhile, and then I promised Him that I would do my part. Every day. Keep on going.
Then I read Mosiah for awhile. The scriptures always make me feel better, and they did.
I'm so grateful for the Gospel. I'd be so lost without it.
I'm doing better now. Feeling more like this again:
2 comments:
Becca! This was my day yesterday. My list was slightly different... but I was a mess. Tears, anger, sadness, coveting, all of it was there, even the guilt for having such feelings when I know "better". You're a human and I think its natural for us to go through these feelings. They humble us and most of the time once we finally get through it, we see the situation more clearly and what we need to do... even though its NOT fun. I'm so glad you're my neighbor! Thanks for sharing your last post too. I didn't comment but the scripture that you shared has been on my mind all week, comforting me. Someday you will have that dream home, I know it. Hang in there! You are amazing.
Was there something in the air yesterday? I had a crappy emotional day too! I have no comforting words other than what you already know - it will get better. Your faith and patience is stronger than you think. It shows in this post. We all lose it occasionally. That's how we know we're alive and human. Keep the faith!
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